Disclaimer: My regular readers know that I support the use of modern obstetric technology when truly needed, and I know there are some awesome OBs out there, as well as some not-so-good midwives. I know that birth does not always happen normally, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. But the fact is that we interfere way too often in the normal process of birth, much of the time creating more problems than we solve. This parody of Dr. Seuss’ famous “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is my holiday rant about the state of childbirth in America today.
But the OB who practiced
He hated birthing! The whole childbirth season.
It could be that his heart wasn’t connected quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his wallet was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he thought
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his wallet,
He stood there, hating the women,
Who gave birth in Birthville without any gadgets or tools,
Was busy now, practicing her relaxation techniques.
“And they’re squatting and breathing!” he snarled with a sneer.
“They wait past their due dates without any fear!!”
Then he growled, with his fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find a way to get those babies coming!”
For, if he didn’t, he knew…
All the Birthville women would tell of the joys
Of birthing without drugs
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the women in Birthville
Would wait and they’d wait.
They would refuse the pitocin, they’d give him no peace
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every woman in Birthville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, and coach each other
These normal birthers were becoming a bother!
They’d walk! And they’d breathe!
The more the he thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop normal birth!
…But HOW? But HOW?”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE OB GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” He laughed in his throat.
And he hid a scalpel in his lab coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great OB trick!
“With this coat and this scalpel, it’ll be very quick!”
I’ll tell them their pelvises
Toward Birthville, and the hospital
In the center of town.
He took the first patient who arrived in labor
“And NOW!” grinned the OB, “I will deliver the baby!”
But the OB had scarcely pulled on his gloves,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw the small head
Why did you try to cut me, why?”
But, you know, that old OB was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little patient,” the OB lied,
“You’re lucky you were in the hospital
But his fib didn’t fool her, and
“Maybe birth,” he thought, “isn’t just about the OR.
“Maybe birth…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well…in Birthville they say
That the OB’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed through the labor deck in the bright morning light
And he brought back the doulas! And took out the IVs!
He handled the birth balls and birth stools with ease!
He took off the monitors and got the women up walking,